Uncategorized – Notes from le Château

BEING…

BEING is my WOTY (Word of the Year). For some time now, I’ve focused on action words to guide me through the year. For too long, I’ve been craving just being me. Being Tina in all my Tina-ness.

In that being, I am (barely) dealing with and struggling with chronic pain. It’s the worst it’s ever been and it is relentless. It’s been a major part of my journey with it being extreme the last 7 years. Multiple surgeries. Many missed days of work. Thankfully, I can work from home. Too many damn doctor visits. And lots of meds to boot. And I’m still at square one. Or so it feels.

This is my year of BEING. And what I want the most is to be healed. To be able to live actively and move about in my life. I want to thrive, not just survive. Being in the middle of a chronic pain flare on what feels like the daily, I’m struggling beyond just the physical pain. So much so, I ended up at my gp because my mental health is now suffering. ALL aspects of my life are suffering.

I know I’m not alone. But when you are going through it, you feel alone. Misunderstood. Looked down upon. I’m tired on all levels.

To be continued, thanks to the nudge of one of the most beautiful souls I know…

#ChronicPain #BEING #WOTY #TiredOnAllLevels #MentalHealth #Over50 #PostMenopausal #TiredDoesntEvenDescribeIt #WritingIsMyTherapy #NoMoreFucksToGive #NotThrivingJustSurviving

Seasonal Living

It’s spring here in Louisiana. At least for a little bit longer. Seasonal weather moves quickly this time of year. Not too long ago, it was cool and nighttime was for fires. Now, when the sun goes down, nighttime belongs to the mosquitoes.

It’s the #SeasonOfEquus (Horse Wisdom/Medicine), a new area of life for me introduced to me by Alyssa Sheffar (#UnbridledMamaGoesLive365), facilitator and mentor who partners with her herd of four amazing horses. Now, understand one thing. I have ONLY become acquainted with the equine world since October 2021. But so much has changed since discovering the five beautiful Arabians literally in my backyard. The girls, as I fondly call them, and their 73 year old caretaker have opened up a whole new world. Boy, did I not know what a journey I was in for.

So I’ve decided to spend more time in nature. More time for myself. More time for self-care. Just more ME time. So I started hanging out behind my husband’s shop. It’s very quiet, secluded, and magickal! It has not disappointed. I spend lots of time there relaxing, energetically connecting to the girls who are literally a few hundred feet away. I also started doing a lot of time there doing shadow work. Boy, has this year been an emotional ride!

And, yet, nature has not disappointed me. The grass is lush, the wildflowers are blooming, and the creatures are moving about. I’m always surprised at what I experience out there. I love seeing each new visit with new eyes!

So lately, or since October, I’ve been #ChasingHorsesAndSunsets and I look forward to what the girls have to show me, teach me, or mirror to me. Once I realized how this works, I understood I needed to leave my ego at the gate. Since I’ve done this, things changed and this work took on a whole new life. One I want to learn about and hopefully be a part of in the future.

So, while I’m still learning (and there’s a lot to learn), it is a very natural state to be in when I’m around the girls. I no longer fear horses. The two instances that bookend my fear have helped me to understand some things from my past and my present. And being around them, I have no choice but to be present in my thoughts and actions.

I feel like my words are all over the page. It’s how I’m feeling these days, processing what’s being shown to me. Process what I’m learning about myself, my past, my life. And I am so thankful and forever grateful for the journey that I am on. I’m holding on for the ride. It’s gonna be a good one : )

THE Winning Photograph

It’s been a while. Nearly a year. 2020 has been a long, deep, expansive year. There’s approximately 2.5 months left. I’m not concerned or dreading it. I’m taking it day by day for so many grateful reasons.

Let me share one of my reasons. Back in late August or early September, I happened upon a photography contest on a Facebook page called Louisiana Pictures. They were asking for submissions of an original photo of Louisiana to update their cover photo. From these submissions, finalists would be chosen from voting results. From the finalists, a winner would then be chosen by highest number of votes.

So I thought back to a random shot I’d taken from the parking lot of Outback in Baton Rouge. The sun was setting just over the interstate. My line of sight was through the Spanish moss. It was beautiful. Just me and my Samsung Note 8. SNAP! Crop out the parking lot. Viola! A pretty, or so I thought, sunset photo. One of thousands I’ve taken. This was the one I decided to enter into the contest.

A few days later, randomly scrolling through Facebook, I see where the finalists had been chosen. I decided to check in and see who made it. And to my complete surprise, I was a finalist and the race was on. I was currently in 2nd place, right behind a professional photographer!!!

I began to share and asking people to vote. From there, friends and family shared and I watched as my numbers went up and eventually surpassed the leader. A couple of friends referred to it as dreamy and atmospheric. I liked those adjectives. If you know anything about a Louisiana summer, you can sometimes “see” the heat dancing in the sunset.

On September 16, I was announced as the winner. It made me proud and really gave me a boost of confidence. I’ve been trying to find my way around the creative arena. I’ve taken pictures for as long as I can remember. I absolutely love being an amateur photographer, along with writing.

And if you happen to read this and are interested in some amazing and beautiful photos of my home state, please visit Louisiana Pictures on Facebook.

Until next time,

Moving…Château DeSoto

It’s been a while. Too long, and I do miss writing. Lots of changes have taken place since I last wrote a little over two years ago.

Let’s start with the most obvious… the name change of my blog. I believe it most reflects where I am in my life on a daily basis. It finally feels right. It feels like home.

Which segways into the title of my article, moving. Almost three years ago, we boldly decided to build a new home. As with everything else, I adore finding a name for my personal belongings. Hence, le Château is how I loosely refer to our new home, Château DeSoto. We have officially resided here since Labor Day weekend, 2018. On a couple of acres on a very busy corner in central Louisiana. Small town living with a wanderlust heart.

So after longing to be here but not writing for various reasons, I am back and could not be happier. I’m looking forward to watching the future unfold at le Château.

PS Please bear with me as I re-familiarize myself with my own blog. Thanks for understanding…

springtime reflections tree from back

Happiest of birthdays to moi!

Bonjour, my friends! Today is my 50th birthday! It’s a big deal, at least it is to me. 50 trips around the sun. I’ve come to an end, which is now another beginning. “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” – Closing Time – Semisonic

I’m not one to fret aging. It’s a privilege. I love life. I want to live it out loud, to the fullest. I want to do more than just scratch the surface! So, what’s next? I’m not sure, but I know healing must be involved, on many levels. I need to allow myself proper rest. I’ve been trying; now I need more doing. I must take inspired action. My 40s were not kind to me regarding my health. And deep down, to my very core, I know if I don’t make changes, necessary changes, my health will not get better. This concerns me, and is not acceptable.

My journey to 50 has been one that I would have never imagined for myself. So much of it seemed out of my control, especially my younger years. Now my life is becoming more created than reactionary. These next 50 years will be quite different. I plan to see to it, to allow it. My life, my choices, my decisions. And even when I can’t control a circumstance, I can and must control how I react. That, for me, is a challenge to my redheaded, Leo self. One I must learn to master. Sigh…Rome wasn’t built in a day…

I want to share a quote shared by a friend whom I admire greatly …

A day so happy. Fog lifted early, I worked in the garden. Hummingbirds were stopping over honeysuckle flowers. There was no thing on earth I wanted to possess. I knew no one worth my envying him. Whatever evil I had suffered, I forgot. To think that once I was the same man did not embarrass me. In my body I felt no pain. When straightening up, I saw the blue sea and sails. _Czeslaw Milosz contributed by Anna Lovind

Beautiful words to ponder, yes?

And, incase you hadn’t noticed, I’ve changed the name of my blog. Selfie Notes no longer honors or serves the woman I am, the woman I’m becoming, the woman I want to be. Season of Ease honors more the life I am cultivating and creating. Ease certainly does not mean easy. Ease simply means taking inspired action without all the drama (thanks Tonya Leigh and SCS), while incorporating elegance and style. It’s a mindset, a lifestyle. And this is the season of my life when I can take all the wisdom, all the knowledge, all the love I’ve gathered or been given and offer it to myself each day. Offer it to myself in a loving way like I would my lover. I must commit and stay committed to myself.

So today I celebrate! I celebrate moi! I celebrate my life lived and my life I’m creating with ease…and I’m excited to see what the future holds!!!

Springtime Reflections

It’s a lovely spring day. I’d had my usual errands to run. As I was returning home, I pulled into the driveway of the future site of Château DeSoto, our forever home we hope to begin building in 2018. The prospect of this has me somewhat leaning toward the domesticated side. In my 49 years, I’ve never really felt creative, domestic, feminine. And I’d decided to change all that. I’d decided to dig deep and discover why I didn’t. And I decided to start acting as if I already did, faking it til I make it! It’s a journey I’ve been on for a short while now, with my 50th birthday right around the corner. I want to live a more mindful life these next 50 years.

I stopped by the land for a couple of reasons, one being I wanted to sit under the tree that bordered the property. I wanted to sit under this tree and connect with the earth’s energy. I need a reset and this was the perfect opportunity. The weather was gorgeous, so why not? I hopped out of my truck, notebook in tow and headed straight for the shade of the lovely oak. Then I realized I didn’t have anything to sit on and there’s quite a few stickers on the ground. I had a zip up hoody on that I could use, but the old, cranky me debated to use it as I would have to wash it later. The new, so-much-life-to-live me decided so what and used it anyway! I’d have missed a glorious session with God’s beautiful nature because I would have to wash a piece of clothes???

So I threw my hoody on the ground and lowered myself, attempting easy seat, which is generally not so easy for me due to my hip issues. As I sat and tried to position myself as comfortably as possible, I realized how exhaustingly tense my body is. So I purposely concentrated on certain areas, coaxing them to relax one by one, slowly but surely. Suddenly, my tailbone popped. That made me smile. Progress was being made.

I sat and looked around and wiggled and fidgeted. Then I realized I need only close my eyes as the next step of a deeper relaxing moment. So I closed my eyes and suddenly the world came alive. The birds, what seemed like dozens, were chirping. Softly, loudly, in unison, as if answering one another. It was glorious. I could still hear the traffic whiz by from time to time, but the songs of the birds were magnificent. Nature’s chorus in action.

There was a soft, cool breeze blowing. The love bugs were hovering around, it’s that time of year. The grass was cool to the touch under the shade of the tall oak. And the sky was a crisp pale blue, with a single jet leaving behind a white trail. A utility worker, I believe cable, was working on a box near the pole at the road. How lucky he was to have such a beautiful day at the office. All to soon it will be hot, so he’d better enjoy. AT 1 pm, it’s 58 degrees. THAT will not last long, as May and June will usher in our typical hot, humid Louisiana weather.

Easy seat wasn’t so easy any longer, so I decided to lay back. I flung the hood part of the jacket off its back so I could have a place to lay my head and mindfully lowered myself. I was amazed at how good that felt. A flood of memories from my summers spent at my grandmother’s house came rushing in. Why had I ever stopped connecting in this way? Why do I not get out more, be out in nature more? Why do I feel like I can’t enjoy things the way I did as a kid? Lots of questions, hope to find many answers.

My mind, body and soul feel weary. They are begging me to stop and smell the roses, sit on the ground, listen to the birds…simply to live a mindful life. A life of being, not just doing. I’ve been hearing, just not listening. Today I listened.

Meltdown, when necessary

Well, it finally reared it’s head. I won’t say ugly, because I don’t feel it was. My meltdown…Stressed out lately, lots of things coming at me from all directions. But I stand firm, heels dug in. I back down from no challenge. And I certainly don’t break easily. But today I finally did. I’m tired, I’m stressed but I’m hanging in there. I finally put pencil to paper how I was feeling…it was needed, it was time. meltdown

Photo credit http://www.thatcuriousloveofgreen.com

meltdown

it came like a thief in the night

the meltdown

suppressed for too long

it was needed, it was time

the release, like a wave hitting the shore

finally reaching its destination

it felt like a tsunami

I hurt, I grieve, I ache

and I hide it all

I’m strong, I can handle it

my shoulders have grown heavy

first born, Leo – this is my calling

but what about me?

my struggles, my fears, my needs?

I hold back, I’m strong

I can handle this

I seek comfort in odd ways and places

no one understands I have no need for the ordinary

in the autumn days of my life

I need to allow myself to be —

me, authentic

I need – I need time alone

but I hate being lonely

I need time to indulge in my likes/loves/treasures

of my heart

tired of dishes, clothes, paperwork

tired of adulting

I need more fantasy, fairy dust, creativity

I need Ireland

I need to write

I need grounding

I have the love of my life

and he is good to me

and I am thankful for that

I am thankful he understands I am

different and unique

he understands my love of green, rain and of Ireland

he tolerates, but lovingly allows, my two speeds –

stalled or wide open

he held me during my meltdown

he let me cry

he reassured me of his love

it was needed, it was time

it came, like a thief in the night

the meltdown

It’s been a while…

rest

So I’ve not been around in a while. Well, just not on Selfie Notes. I’ve been pretty active on Instagram since discovering it during an online workshop with Carrie-Anne Moss. It’s quite pleasurable, and a lot less “noisy” than facebook.

Anyway, lots has happened in my little world since I last posted. I had a major hip surgery the week of Thanksgiving, which I’m still sort of recovering from. And I’m currently having some medical issues that will require a specialist. Blood work is wayyyy outta whack! I’m scheduled for an appointment at the end of the month. I’m tired. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. No matter how much I sleep, I’m not rested. Did you notice my picture? I KNOW I need rest. Apparently, my body doesn’t. It won’t or it can’t. Guess that will be determined at a later day.

To be continued…

by the fire, day 3

By the Fire Day 3…Dear Winter, You are my favorite time of year. You inspire joy, not woe. You allow me to turn inward during the darker months. You provide a natural inclination to rest, contemplate, renew. I strive to learn to honor the earth's seasonal rhythms-and to indulge in all it's magical moments. By the fire, I take comfort in the coals. By the fire, I feel alive as I watch the fire dance with life. By the fire is where I want to be. Winter- with it's hot and cold, muggy and raining. I feel most alive this time of year. I have let the stress of the expectations grab hold of me and dampen my spirit year after year. This year, because of my surgery, l am free to not be part of the expectations. I've enjoyed that in the past–Christmas in the Iraqi desert; Christmas in Gatlinburg. No expectations. Just being, honoring and celebrating. #annapurnalivingroom

A photo posted by tina (@selfie_notes) on Dec 13, 2015 at 9:24am PST

by the fire, day 2

Day 2 By the Fire…learning to say yes to myself is just as important as saying no to something that does not serve my current state of being. Nostalgia too often robs my living in the moment because there's much sorrow there. Stress and unhappiness defined those holidays. These days, stress and sorrow are present. But that all needs to change. This, too, is my favorite time of the year!!! The creative prompt resonated with me. The pic is from this past summer. The yoga studio I had been a part of for a couple of years, and had come to crave and love, closed and was sold. I held on to it, fiercely! But the day it closed, I had a private burning ceremony to help me let it go. It helped usher in closure and acceptance. And it was and is ok. Realizing my life is mine to create, including holidays. #annapurnalivingroom

A photo posted by tina (@selfie_notes) on Dec 12, 2015 at 8:01am PST